


Getting To Know You

by jacquelee



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I will put specific warnings at the beginning of each chapter, League!Sara is indeed scary, Lots of Angst, Sara thinks she is a monster, Self-Worth Issues, This will be graphic, more characters will be added once they make their appearance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 00:25:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14461089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacquelee/pseuds/jacquelee
Summary: In the aftermath of putting on the death totem Sara tells Ava that it was her who hurt everyone, that she was death. That she should be alone and that it would be good for Ava to care about her past. What if this prompts Ava to go back in time to see that past for herself? To see the killer Sara was, to truly understand why she feels like she is a danger to Ava and everyone else.Canon divergent during and after 3.15.





	Getting To Know You

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea I had basically right after 3.15, when I randomly thought that there was no way for Ava to ever actually see what Sara was like in the League and to really understand why she thinks of herself as death. And then I thought "well, they are time travelers, so actually, she can". And this fic was born, even though it took me quite a while to actually write enough even for a first chapter, so now all of this is non-canon. 
> 
> Basically, I wanted to give Sara an opportunity to work through all her self-worth issues and her self doubts by using time travel as a method for Ava to learn about who Sara was first hand and for Sara to finally come to terms with it.
> 
> Both the rating and warnings are for later chapters, I will put specific warnings in the notes for each chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava second guesses everything about her conversation with Sara and ends up making a decision that could end in disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote some of the conversation Sara and Ava had at the end of 3.15.

_"That's just it, that was me. I am death."_

_"I can help you fight that part of you. I don't care about your past."_

_"Well, maybe that's a problem."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"That it would be good if you did. Look, I shouldn't be around people. I can't risk hurting anyone else. I just need to be alone."_

Snippets of their conversation replayed over and over in Ava's head. It had only been a few hours but she had gone from feeling completely lost to berating herself about her insecurities that told her this was somehow all her fault when clearly it was about Sara's doubts and feelings. After which she then finally had latched onto something specific that Sara had said, something she hadn't put much thought into before. 

Sara's past. Clearly that was what Mallus had brought up when he was possessing Sara and clearly, that was why she was now pushing Ava and everyone else away, why she isolated herself. Now that she had spent hours going over everything, Ava was starting to think that maybe Sara was right, that saying she didn't care about Sara's past was a problem, that it would be good, important for Ava to care. After all, she had said she knew but did she really? 

Reading Sara's file and if she was honest, mostly skimming over all the awful things in her life did not actually grant Ava true knowledge of her past, especially not the past that Sara was so afraid of right now. 

The past in which she had indeed been death. The past in which she had gone back to the League of Assassins twice because that had felt like the only home she could make for herself. The past in which she had killed without a second thought, had brought death onto so many people. 

If she was honest, Ava didn't like to think about it. And maybe that was what Sara had picked up on. Having hurt her team, hurt everyone setting foot on the ship, it must have been hard for Sara to see that part of her being dragged out into the light of day, even if it hadn't been her at all, even if she had been possessed by a demon. But nonetheless she was a trained killer, had been killing people for years. That was a part of her. A part that Ava had to accept. 

Had she been wrong? Could she, should she have reacted differently? Said something else, something better? She had tried to be supportive, going on the assumption that Sara wanted to fight that part of her, wanted her help with that.

What if that was not what she wanted, what she needed? What if Sara's self hatred and her futile attempts to bury that part of her deep down but never really succeeding had been exactly what Mallus exploited to get her to put on the death totem?

What if Sara needed help to understand that part of her and help her not to fight it but to make peace with it? Of course, at the moment Sara didn't want anything to do with her or anyone else at all. 

But that didn't mean that she couldn't make an effort on her own to learn more about that part of Sara, to truly try and understand her. 

With a newfound determination, she pulled up Sara's file. This time, she wouldn't skim it. This time, she would read it all thoroughly, no matter how painful it was. This time, she would care.

Two hours later, she let out a frustrated huff. It wasn't that Rip's documentation wasn't extensive, it wasn't that he glossed over the complicated and hard details, but there just was only so much someone could learn from a file.

No matter how often she read it, it was impossible for her to see Sara as anything but a young girl who had lost everything and had been thrown into horrifying circumstances, only to survive and come out the strong, capable woman Ava knew now, the woman who was quick to quip, to throw a joke around, who was vulnerable but tried to not show it to anyone.

As hard as she tried, she couldn't see the monster Sara saw herself as. She couldn't see death. She just saw the woman she was caring for more and more, the woman who had been so annoying at first, breaking all the rules and butting into her job with her team that Ava had thought completely incompetent since they operated so far outside everything she had been taught. 

But then she had actually gotten to know her, even gotten to know her team and she had realized that there were things that couldn't be put into a set of rules and regulations, things that were outside the strict logic she had always measured her life by. 

Things like dressing up as Vikings and kidnapping a tickle-me-Elmo rip-off worshipped as a god. Things like going against explicit orders to save a woman she had just started to maybe like. To maybe understand. Things that led to other things, like talking for hours on the comms, laughing, having fun. Going on a cliché date and ruining it because she thought they both wanted it that way and had backed Sara into a corner even though she had never intended that. 

Then actually talking about their feelings and fighting pirates together. And after that, two weeks in which she had spend nearly every night in Sara's quarters, nearly every night sleeping next to the woman she now started to truly understand and know. 

But apparently she had been wrong. She didn't know Sara, the real Sara. Not completely. Not all parts of her. And she couldn't, because this was not something that she could ever learn about from a file. So how was she supposed to care about Sara's past if she couldn't even slightly imagine that woman? If the body count and the description of scars and traumata didn't actually give her a picture of what this person had been like, how she had been different from the Sara she knew? 

There was no way she could ever truly know. Well, no way short of going back in time and actually seeing that Sara, which was…

Ava stilled completely, even holding her breath as that thought suddenly brought something up that should be unthinkable. 

Possible. It was possible. 

She chided herself immediately for even slightly entertaining that thought. She was the Director of the Time Bureau for heaven's sake. She couldn't just use time travel as a means to understand someone better, even if that someone was important to her. But the small thought in her head wouldn't shut up. It continued to fester, telling her that it would definitely be possible, even easy. 

Sara had said it would be good if she cared about her past. Seeing that past for herself would help with that, wouldn't it? If she saw Sara back then, she could actually understand why she saw herself as a monster. Seeing her kill people would stop her from seeing only the young girl and actually seeing the woman who had chosen that path because she thought it was the only thing she was good for. 

No matter what she had chosen later, no matter how many lives she had saved, quite clearly these decisions, those years spent doing unspeakable things still haunted Sara. That part of her was still something she couldn't accept. And while Ava thought she understood that part of Sara, while she hoped she actually would be able to accept it eventually instead of instantly wanting to fight it, she still realized that seeing it with her own eyes would gain her so much more insight than a file ever could. 

Of course, talking to Sara now, in the present, would have been her first choice, but that didn't seem to be in the picture. Not right now at least. Part of her realized that it would be better to not do anything, to wait for Sara to make the next step, to actually open up about that part of her. But she had said it would be good if Ava cared about her past and she had said she needed to be alone.

So what if Sara never made that step? What if she truly chose to stay alone, isolated? What if this had even been the last time they saw each other at all? The least Ava could do was to make the effort to understand why Sara had decided to do this. To understand why she thought of herself as a danger to everyone. 

And while any normal person would have to just accept that they would never know, that it was just something beyond their reach, Ava was not normal. She had the means to find out for herself. The means to actually meet the woman Sara saw herself as still. To see for herself why Sara called herself death. 

It went against everything she had been taught, and it certainly went against all her responsibilities and duties as the Time Bureau Director, but as soon as the idea had taken hold of her mind, she couldn't shake it off. She just wanted, needed to know. 

After making that decision, she had to hold herself back to finish the work that needed to be done. Being the Director of the Time Bureau meant the paper work had increased exponentially, but she threw herself into it with a newfound enthusiasm, knowing that the sooner she was finished here, the sooner she would be able to put her plan into action. 

It took more time than she would have hoped to go through the files and settle on a time and place to go and see Sara's past self. There wasn't much known about the League of Assassin's activities, but Rip had pieced together some likely locations and dates in which Sara had been taking out targets for the League. 

In which she had murdered someone. Ava knew that was what it was and she knew that rationally, what she had told Sara was the truth, she didn't care about her past. But now that she was making concrete plans to see the woman she cared about so much murder another person, she couldn't help but wonder if she could do it and what seeing this would do to her. 

But then, that was exactly why she was doing this in the first place, wasn't it? To see what Sara was living with every day. To understand her demons. To understand why Sara felt like she shouldn't be around people at all. 

After going over potential targets for a while, Ava settled on a specific date and time in 1959, when Sara had been back in the League for almost a year. She was aware that this Sara would be affected by time drift, but that just meant that Sara had slipped completely into the personality that was deeply devoted to the League, exactly the personality that was haunting her now. 

Which was also exactly the Sara Ava needed to see, the one that seemed to be just a killer, nothing else. The one that didn't even question killing her friends until she was confronted directly with the memories and feelings she had buried deep down.

While settling on a time period had taken longer than expected, the actual preparations went surprisingly fast. Ava had waited until the bureau was empty, definitely not wanting anyone to know that the Director was breaking every rule there was. Using the fabricator on board the mothership, she made herself clothes that got as close as possible to what the members of the League of Assassins were wearing, thinking that if something went wrong, this was the best disguise she could have. 

The fact that the outfit came with a face wrap was obviously a major advantage seeing that the last thing she wanted to do was to cause an aberration by Sara seeing her nearly sixty years before actually meeting her. Of course, she didn't plan on being seen at all, but then, it was better to prepare for every eventuality. 

Which was why she not only took a second courier that she stuffed into her boot but also debated taking a memory eraser. But she decided against it in the end. It was much harder to hide than the courier and seeing that she was going to the fifties, being seen with futuristic technology would not end well. She would just have to improvise when it came to the worst. 

That thought led her to fabricate and swallow a language pill, enabling her to speak and understand Arabic. If there was any interaction with Sara or any other League member, nothing would give away her cover quicker than not speaking the League's main language. 

She had just finished putting on the clothes and was about to cover her face when she heard someone behind her loudly clearing their throat. She froze completely, having no idea who it could be but having a pretty good idea what they would say about the Director sneaking off to the mothership for an unsanctioned mission. Not willing to turn around, she waited until the intruder spoke up, only to be somewhat relieved when they did. 

"I'm afraid you are, as they say, busted. The fabricator is only to be used for officially sanctioned missions, as I am sure you are aware. It is definitely not here for purposes like making Halloween costumes. And even if it was, I would suggest something a little bit more upbeat than dressing as a member of the League of Assassins." 

Remaining with her back to Rip, Ava contemplated what to do next, but she knew she had to face him. At least it was him, someone who knew Sara and maybe would understand why she had to do this. Even though if the roles were reversed, she would definitely not be lenient. Or wouldn't have been. Before. It wasn't like that hadn't happened. It had landed him in prison. 

But she needed to believe that he understood why she had to do this. Taking a deep breath, she turned around slowly, trying to keep her face neutral but failing gloriously. 

"Rip." 

Rip's expression would have been funny if the circumstances weren't so serious. He was clearly taken aback that instead of a low level agent who was using the fabricator for some gag, he was suddenly faced with his boss, who clearly was not in any way joking around. His face went from pure shock to confusion, then to some sort of dawning understanding and then back to confusion. 

"Director Sharpe. Is there an anachronism that needs fixing? Involving the League? Did the Legends need…" 

He trailed off and Ava could practically see him connecting the dots. She sighed. Might as well go all out. She had already programmed the coordinates into her time courier and was now ready to press the button and disappear through the portal at any second. But she knew now that Rip was here, she might as well at least try to explain what she was planning. 

"There is no anachronism. I just…" She hesitated for a second, not knowing what exactly to say. "I just need to see for myself. To understand." 

Now there was not just understanding on Rip's face but something else, something Ava had never wanted to see. Pity. He nodded slowly. 

"This is about what happened earlier. The death totem. Sara being possessed. Hurting her team. Hurting you. And now she thinks she is a monster. Just like she did before." 

Ava knew Rip had heard about that, from herself putting in the report as the dutiful Director she normally was and from Gary. She also knew that he was smart, of course he had put the pieces together when she had come back with red eyes from all the crying, not wanting to talk about any of what happened and determined to just bury herself in her work. 

Somehow knowing that he knew, that he understood in some ways, knowing that he also knew Sara and how she beat herself up over what she thought she was, made her suddenly want to let it all out, to get rid of those things that had been building up inside her ever since she had left the Waverider. 

"She said that it wasn't Mallus, that it was her. That she was death. That she needed to be alone. I told her I didn't care about her past but she said that was a problem, that it would be good if I did." She said all of it in a quiet, monotone voice. Then she let out a small, unhappy chuckle. "So that's what I'm doing. I'm caring about her past. I will see for myself. To try and understand her." 

This time, the shock on Rip's face even surpassed what had been there when he had realized that it was her who had used the fabricator. 

"You can't be serious." 

Ava looked him directly in the eyes, hoping to convey all the determination she felt. 

"I am." 

"Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? This is the League of Assassins! You can't just waltz in there." 

The irony of this coming from the man who had done exactly that did not escape Ava but she didn't care enough to dwell on it.

"I won't. I found a way to watch her… take out a target. That's it. In and out, I'll be back in five minutes. I just need to see for myself." 

Rip still looked at her incredulously but seemed to sense that nothing he said would change her mind. 

"I will go with you." 

Ava shook her head. 

"No. I need to do this on my own. Besides, this way, I only put myself in danger, nobody else." 

Expecting resistance, she brought her hand closer to the courier on her wrist, prepared to press the button, a movement Rip clearly noticed, because he backed off, holding up his hands.

"At least tell me the coordinates. In case something does go wrong." 

Ava nodded slowly. He was right, having someone know where she was would be a good precaution.

"Okay."

She told him the coordinates and opened the portal before he could change his mind. Right before she stepped through, adjusting the face wrap, she heard him call after her. 

"You have an hour." 

Ava smiled to herself as she passed the portal. At least she would have some backup if things didn't go as planned.


End file.
